Unapologetically East Coast Feedback
You’ve probably heard the quip, “The East Coast is kind, but not nice, while the West Coast is nice, but not kind.” I can’t speak to everyone’s experience, but that feels right in Philly (save your batteries-at-Santa jokes and hear me out).
One time, I was walking down the street, and someone cut me off, telling me to stop and interrupting my conversation. They then followed it up with “I just have to say. This outfit WORKS.” Another time, I was scolded for being an idiot for moving into my apartment during a snowstorm by someone simultaneously offering a shovel and salt.
Both kind, but not necessarily nice.
As a born and raised East Coaster, that’s the attitude I often take when I need to provide constructive feedback at work. Positive feedback is easy, but improvement-oriented feedback can easily go off the rails.
Too often, managers hedge when it comes time for critical feedback. I’ve both heard colleagues and managers do the following, as well as [regrettably] done these myself:
Give “compliment sandwiches”- i.e., use positive feedback as the bread, before and after the “meat” of the criticism. Adam Grant explains that this method as either (1) coming across as insincere or (2) drowning out the constructive parts for the recipient. Both bad results.
Unnecessarily (and inaccurately) soften critical feedback with too many “sometimes” or “it’s not a huge issue, but….”. Downplaying criticism can confuse the recipient – if I don’t do it a lot, it can’t be a huge issue.
Rush through it to be able to say they delivered the feedback, but not give enough space for the recipient to digest, react, or ask questions.
Obscuring constructive feedback does nothing for the recipient. We both might have felt like I was “nice” in the moment, but I wasn’t helping them develop professionally- the kind move.
Kind feedback is*:
Data-driven – You have already asked questions to make sure you understand the situation you’re providing feedback on (minimizing assumptions). You’re also framing your feedback in a way that “can be captured by a camera” (I heard a Life Labs Learning trainer describe it this way and it always stuck with me). That is, it’s action-based and clearly defined.
Intentionally prepared – You have thought through what you’re saying, why you’re saying it, and you both are ready to have the conversation. Off-the-cuff critical feedback is rarely productive/meaningful and people are generally more ready to engage when they know ahead of time what conversation we’re having.
Built on the shared understanding that you want this person to succeed. If we’re having a tough feedback conversation – if I’m willing to expend that emotional energy on you – I genuinely want you to win. This type of foundation can take time to build and, unfortunately, on some teams isn’t the norm.
So, channel your East Coastiest friend next time performance reviews come around and be as kind to your colleagues as possible. Even if that doesn’t necessarily feel nice.
Thanks for reading,
Shannon
*I originally framed this last section using K.I.N.D. as an acronym. It was as painfully cheesy as you’re thinking it was.